urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis Just be you. Matt 2008-08-26T00:49:09Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:74134 2008-08-26T00:49:09Z 2008-08-26T00:49:09Z Alright, I am freaking out. Hand in the air, I will admit it, I am freaking out.<br /><br />In March, I am graduating from college. Yup, one degree down, weeks before my 21st birthday and now that I am down to 7 months... I am kind of freaking out. What is my next step? I know I want a PhD in Clinical Psychology but, I have only spent a year and a half doing Psychological research, I don't have hardly any clinical experience. So can I really consider myself a decent candidate for a PhD program? Berkeley only accepts 6 out of 200 applicants and I haven't as much as won a raffle my entire life. Well, that is a lie, I won some stupid frisbee when I was in boyscouts but, come on! Does that mean I have it coming to me? Or did that frisbee fuck me over for the long haul?!?<br /><br />So, what is my next step? Graduating at 20, not exactly the best trait for a Grad school applicant. Sure, undergrads love the early graduation thing but, Grad Schools make such a big investment in accepting applicants and sure, my GPA is good enough, but, I am terrified of the GRE and I need more experience. Deadline: December 1st. Do I take a year off? Live a little? Use the money I have saved for Europe and backpack for a couple months, take my time with the GRE, get a clinical job and in a year, apply to Stanford, Berkeley, UCLA, Duke, and all of my other dream schools? The only downside to that is oh, paying for living, health insurance, auto insurance, oh that the whole pissing off my parents thing. <br /><br />This freak out is mildly coupled with the job I had planned out for Fall falling through, so I am sending out my resume all night, hoping someone bites. I am not exactly looking forward to being a Chancellor's assistant but, at least I have a shot at the medical internship... does it matter that I have no interest in medical school? (The idea of killing someone stresses me out!)<br /><br />Oh and relationships complicate life. How do you know how far you can be pushed and keep from being walked all over? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:73859 2008-08-23T06:02:13Z 2008-08-23T06:02:13Z I no longer look like that person in the picture. Not to be vain, I am just saying, I am not even sure how well I know that guy anymore. Sam brought me back, who knows how long I will hang around but, for years, this blog was the ultimate place to vent, have you all give me ideas, solutions, support. Might be nice, plus I miss you guys. So thank you Sam.<br /><br />I will update a new icon later. This is unacceptable. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:73539 2007-01-09T03:15:45Z 2007-01-09T03:15:45Z holy crap today has been so fraking terrible I will post in this thing. first becuase of inventory no one was working so i had to cover half the men's department by myself all day. then my manager tells me that if i cant promise a years worth of full time work (generously offering 2 days a week off so I can go to UCSD) I will most likely be let go in 2 days. then i come home, after being sufficiently blown off by a friend to get a letter from UCSD saying i was declined because i dont have enough units even though I do and palomar has checked 50 times so i have to call and go through all that in the morning. today has been shit and when all i want to do is turn to my friends they are all fucking gone or too busy with other stuff.<br /><br /><br />thank you and good night. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:73364 2006-10-15T07:18:47Z 2006-10-15T07:18:47Z I didn't really think anyone was going to respond to that either. faking information is pretty easy so whatever.<br /><br />Yesterday was one of those days worthy of breaking a very long silent period on livejournal. Aubree and I went to Magic Mountain for their Fright Fest thing they do on the weekends in October. It was freaking amazing. They have 6 haunted houses/mazes and there are a couple there that are scary as hades. The clown house complete with trick jack in the box finished off with the evil creepy glowy man jumping from the ceiling... makes you tense up a little. <br /><br />The last few weeks have been a little crazy. My interview with the paper fell through. I have had the pleasure of experiencing several Dawson's Creek moments and even one that is a little more Sex and the City than anything else. I dont want to deal with adultry, sexuality, monogamy, bigotry, family issues, and inevitable unemployment. Add some scholarships and applications. <br /><br />But wait, im not upset nor stressed. And! Jillian and I get to hang out this weekend! My brother and I are getting better than ever, complete with a Thursday night dinners. Other than that my relationships with my friends are strong and im glad that there are no more secrets. I think.<br />y <br />"Are you keeping a dead rat in our freezer or do we have a slam dunk case against the processed food industry?" -Veronica Mars. Seriously, why are you people not watching this? (Don't you love this season, Rose?) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:73051 2006-10-14T20:54:45Z 2006-10-14T20:54:45Z hey this is dumb but whatever. Stupid econ. I need to poll people, how much would you pay for top of the line pool cleaning and maintenance? Even if you dont have a pool please put a number... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:72752 2006-09-10T23:33:45Z 2006-09-10T23:33:45Z Pour Some Sugar on Me! I am in a fantastic mood, sorry about my last not to happy post but things are great this weekend. My brother's wedding is in 6 days, I don't have my toast written, Right now I am joking that I will just wing it. Odds are it will hit me one night this week and I will write it all down and go with it that way. I went to get my hair cut yesterday but, lets get this straight, I asked for a trim, nothing too short because my brother's wedding and I didn't want short clean cut hair for it. So, she gave me a hair cut. it is pretty short but my freakish hair is curling anyway. lol... thinks of Jenna and the whole pubic head moment. ahh I miss you! <br /><br />I went and bought some shirts today and I wouldn't care enough to post about it but the lady there that Aubs and I made friends with (she gives us her discount, she is awesome) came over and told me that I shouldn't wear large shirts, I am a medium. And coming from the kid in an XL shirt in 7th grade, this is such a COOL THING! Working out is so great! So I tried them on and Aubree and that lady were right so I got all medium. I know, I am dumb but I am SO happy! Oh and, I am too tall for my jeans! I hit a growth spurt and now my jeans are too short, they go a half inch above my socks! So now I am like 6'3". <br /><br />I am in the best mood. It is cool outside so fall is coming. I love Halloween. The wedding is pretty much present which means my nephew is coming into town! And I get to wear a tux, its black, blue, and silver, but its still a tux! I have a big scary ass Econ exam this week. I have a Psych quiz and next week I have exams in all my other classes. I am excited. I am happy. and really cheesy. Seriously, just send me to France or Italy. <br /><br />please? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:72477 2006-09-06T06:49:42Z 2006-09-06T06:49:42Z Losing a friendship hurts. Losing it because you stand up for your beliefs makes it no easier. You have to though. To just take the abuse or hear someone stand for something against everything you stand for, you must defend yourself and your beliefs right? I miss Brittany though but, I do not regret it. It just sucks.<br /><br />Reality is a little to clear lately. Aubree's father leaves for deployment in a handful of days. Her health keeps me worried at all times. My brother is about to be married. I am forcing myself to defend myself and what I believe in. Losing friends, watching others waste their life with non-stop partying and dropping out of school. I am not anti-drinking but, I am anti-dropping out. A very small fraction of my friends met outside of school are still attending. Only one of my close high school friends is still in school, everyone is dropping out. <br /><br />I love the book I am reading though. I am completely up to date on class work, I see my most beloved friend practically 6 days a week. I have an internship lined up and I don't have to be in class until 11 tomorrow. Now I will sleep away my melancholy. Rarely do these moods survive a full nights sleep. Good night all, hope you are loving college. I still can't get over the libraries. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:72286 2006-09-01T00:29:39Z 2006-09-01T02:30:19Z I sm so tired. On top of all the school fun (normally this would be a sarcastic statement but, my PhysioPsych class is beyond amazing so is my Philosophy of Logic class, Zoology drags on like a colonoscopy... or what I assume one would drag like.) I am actively persuing scholarships! Party over here! it sucks. I am so tired that people keep asking me if I am ok. Apparently not sleeping much makes me look sad? Good news = first round of scholarships ends this weekend. Then I have a couple weeks til I get to play again. Dumbest essay prompts ever. <br /><br />Tomorrow Aubree and I are going to have a fantastic day. Water polo, beach, maybe bonfire. Back to talking about "peer pressure and how it has affected my life." Dumbasses.<br /><br />Edit. ARGH!!!!!!! The deadline was midnight tonight! They took it down a day early! It is already gone and I just wrote the essay! I am going grr on the inside. But hey! I am going to work off the grrness and then I am going out! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:72140 2006-08-24T05:11:02Z 2006-08-24T05:11:02Z What kind of teacher assigns 100 pages of reading due the second class meeting???? SERIOUSLY??? WHO DOES THAT?<br /><br />now my anger has been released I will go back to reading for my other class. seriously 100 pages of econ. I skimmed it and read the summaries and looked at the charts. but im still annoyed! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:71817 2006-08-21T05:57:38Z 2006-08-21T05:57:38Z Have you ever noticed how quickly people update their myspaces? Seriously now! One minor change in their life and suddenly everyone must know. Oh and my favorite, the spiteful game of the TOP 16! You drop a person one spot, 10 seconds later you are dropped "like a hooker hit in the stomach by a fat guy with warts on his face" -- Friends/Joey.<br /><br />I never update mine! Shannon had mine saying I wanted to be a belly dancer for like a month before Rose pointed out to me so I could change it! Why does everyone care about the TOP 16? I dont care if I am your number 1! No offense.... and suddenly I am dropped from every TOP 16 ever. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:71424 2006-08-21T05:51:10Z 2006-08-21T05:51:10Z It is really strange. Kind of surreal. Everyone is going to college too now. For some reason, all of my friends from Arizona, going to college too, really makes it seem more real to me. I mean I've been taking classes forever and all that but now, now it is more real. One semester. Every day I am at Palomar is one more closer to UCSD. I am so excited. <br /><br />I watched the Real World finale today. i am not sure why, I have not watched any of the season, just the tear filled farewell and a mix of that and summer coming to an end made me really reflective and I came up with something I wanted to say to each of you. Well while I was working out I came up with them so they probably are not nearly as sentimental as I planned them to be.... but, its 11 and some of us have class in the morning and when i say each of you, I am serious. One day I will. But now, I am going to finish reading over this 20 page syllabus for zoology... COP OUT CLASS ALERT!, write a letter or two, watch Prison Break, and go to bed. hahaha there is no way I will be asleep before 2. <br /><br />I miss my Lifers. and NYLCers. I miss people. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:71189 2006-08-16T03:47:49Z 2006-08-16T03:47:49Z Everything is different. Not in a bad way, just in an obvious... surprisingly permanent way. Aubree and I laid out under the stars last night just talking about how things have changed. A week from today is exactly one year after I met her. She isn't even my friend anymore. She is my limb. She is my only friend that I have out here that I know I will still be close with in 10 years. That isn't sad or wrong, just true. At the end of this semester I will be starting UCSD as a junior. The majority of my fellow graduates have dropped out of college. I will have very little in common with them when my life revolves around my graduate studies. Or, as Aubs pointed out last night, what happens when I am studying in Europe? I have already looked at all of UCSD's study abroad or EAP programs. <br /><br />I love how I am more defined. I have my opinions, stances, morals, beliefs, and personality. Even better, even if my best friends say something, I won't back down anymore. I am more confrontational, not disrespectful, just stronger. Working out everyday for a month or so has definitely changed my body. I feel better, more confident, stronger again, and happier. I love that feeling. <br /><br />I miss many of my friends. Jillian is coming to Pepperdine in a week or so and once she is settled I am going to go see her. I miss Trenna, she inspires me. I miss so many others. I can not wait to be at UCSD and go back to competing with the brightest minds in the country. Charter was not a smart high school. Being on the dean's list at Palomar College is a joke. Come on, I work my butt off yes, please don't think that it is a cake walk but I am not proud of it. UCSD is my pay off. So much work and then BAM, the 7th ranked public university. With the second largest library system in the country. lol just ask Jenna, she knows.<br /><br />Summer is dying but the fall is coming and I love the fall. Apples, Halloween, cool breezes, jackets, hot chocolate, fires, perfect reading weather. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:71145 2006-08-16T03:41:35Z 2006-08-16T03:41:35Z Everything is different. Not in a bad way, just in an obvious... surprisingly permanent way. Aubree and I laid out under the stars last night just talking about how things have changed. A week from today is exactly one year after I met her. She isn't even my friend anymore. She is my limb. She is my only friend that I have out here that I know I will still be close with in 10 years. That isn't sad or wrong, just true. At the end of this semester I will be starting UCSD as a junior. The majority of my fellow graduates have dropped out of college. I will have very little in common with them when my life revolves around my graduate studies. Or, as Aubs pointed out last night, what happens when I am studying in Europe? I have already looked at all of UCSD's study abroad or EAP programs. <br /><br />I love how I am more defined. I have my opinions, stances, morals, beliefs, and personality. Even better, even if my best friends say something, I won't back down anymore. I am more confrontational, not disrespectful, just stronger. Working out everyday for a month or so has definitely changed my body. I feel better, more confident, stronger again, and happier. I love that feeling. <br /><br />I miss many of my friends. Jillian is coming to Pepperdine in a week or so and once she is settled I am going to go see her. I miss Trenna, she inspires me. I miss so many others. I can not wait to be at UCSD and go back to competeing with the brightest minds in the country. Charter was not a smart high school. Being on the dean's list at Palomar College is a joke. Come on, I work my butt off yes, please don't think that it is a cake walk but I am not proud of it. UCSD is my pay off. So much work and then BAM, the 7th ranked public university. With the second largest library system in the country. lol just ask Jenna, she knows.<br /><br />Summer is dying but the fall is coming and I love the fall. Apples, Halloween, cool breezes, jackets, hot chocolate, fires, perfect reading weather. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:70714 2006-07-13T06:05:54Z 2006-07-13T06:05:54Z Registering for classes is one of the most stressful things ever! It completely screws with me. This semester, however, I got a kickass date and I got everything I wanted and needed. Sickly, I must take a minimum of 17 UC units this semester.... all of which I got. Seriously 17 units. there is no way I can hold a decent job and keep my GPA up. Pinch me! All I have to do is survive this semester and meet with the board of something or another and I am officially a UC student! A student of the Univeristy of California, San Diego! A junior! Wooooohooooo!<br /><br />I leave Saturday for Chicago! 10 days with Marissa. I am psyched. Then, if Jenna ever gives me dates, I will have her out here for some number of days! Things are great and nuts and I am happy and feeling overwhelmed but then I am fine. Summer has some pretty incredible qualities. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:70588 2006-07-02T23:45:28Z 2006-07-02T23:45:28Z I love my 'ennas. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:70355 2006-06-30T07:34:22Z 2006-06-30T07:34:22Z Hey Arizonians. I leave tomorrow for Arizona. I don't think I can do anything tomorrow but for sure on Saturday I can hang out with people! SO expect a text/call from me if we have prestated plans/ideas. THen I return Sunday. This was a really quick trip. I am sorry if I do not get to see some people. I will be back in July for Brytenie's bridal shower, so I can hang out then.<br /><br />Today I went to the Del Mar Fair. Aubree, Evyie, Lexi and I went and it was great. After a terrible last few days (Zech and Brittany... the dating friends... BLEGH) this was the greatest thing ever. THere are few things in this world that a consistant heavy pulse of a bass at a concert. Lifehouse was playing a free concert tonight and the crowd was huge. We got front center because Aubree is fiesty as a cat and although I would never say I am Lifehouse's biggest fan. they put on a good show and seriously, that bass released so much tension and then the world became perfect. <br /><br />I got henna for the first time tonight. It looks like a big scab because I want to keep it on as long as possible and now its been like 2 hours. lol I should take it off... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:70097 2006-06-24T07:22:13Z 2006-06-24T07:22:13Z I turned on my laptop and it went all black and said: blahblah file is either corrupt or missing. You might be able to fix it by inserting original windows setup disk. <br /><br />I am freaking out nervous. I am praying my mom has that disk. My laptops been just fine then bam. eeegad I am freaking out. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:69692 2006-06-20T00:51:57Z 2006-06-20T00:51:57Z I just got offered a job as a Vet assistant. That is awesome. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:69469 2006-06-19T09:33:02Z 2006-06-19T10:36:46Z What do you do when your two best friends decide to date and everything you have planned for the summer becomes a three person excursion. Then every great plan you made is mildly watered down because you are no longer one of the group. You are the thumb. I miss aubree, she has been missing this week, she is back tuesday. I love her and miss her.<br /><br />Last night we had a big bonfire at the harbor (Something we will do if any of you come and visit). It was the couples, Laura and I. So laura and I wandered off. Walked about a mile down the beach at sunset. Then walked down the jetties, stuck out legs off the side of a rock and watched the waves crash higher as the tide came in. An hour or so later when we returned, people were concerned. I miss having Laura in my life. I dont like how judgmental some people are. I hate: hate; and officially dissociate myself from anyone that hates anyone. I love that I have opinions. and that I am Liberal and Conservative. <br /><br />I am going to be in Arizona not this coming up weekend but the next. My mom needs someone to drive over with her. So yay for me have absolutely no plans and plenty of free time. Lets fix that? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:69287 2006-06-14T10:00:16Z 2006-06-14T10:00:16Z La Vie Boheme I am getting terrible at updating lately but I figured I would throw in some of the stuff I have been doing this summer.<br /><br />Had another party at my house, this time even more people showed up... I don't think my parents are leaving again for a while so til then people just hang out over here. <br /><br />Gone hiking through the mountains, forest, and across rivers. It was great.<br /><br />Threw a surprise birthday party for Zech.<br /><br />Wandered Hillcrest and spent way too much on books.<br /><br />Went to an Afgani restaurant which had amazing food.<br /><br />Spent time at Dennis' and Vicki's.<br /><br />Went to a concert.<br /><br />Went to the most haunted place in America. Or at least top 20.<br /><br />Picnic in old town.<br /><br />Climbed the rocks at Children's Beach (and fell on my face...)<br /><br />Set my dates for Chicago and New York!<br /><br />I have not had enough time to read or write this summer so I keep forgetting things.. hopefully this outline will lead to more detailed descriptions. I am forgetting so much.... I am loving summer. I love that I have not had enough time to just sit and read. Reading is a big part of who I am but, this just means i am doing some everyday.<br /><br />Who else never thought I would be the kind to go Paint Balling?? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:68906 2006-06-04T07:58:02Z 2006-06-04T07:59:10Z I am happy and I love. This week has been great, I will upload my pictures tomorrow and if you were someone that wanted some of them, just remind me. Oh, and the picture Jenna and I took on my camera makes us look less stupid than the ones she posted. I really want to go onto an obnoxiously long Tolstoy retelling of everything and how great it was to see everyone and getting to actually spend time with some people one on one without the craziness of everything that was grad night but, I will spare you. I love you guys so much. And I miss you guys, I was sincerely upset to be driving away this morning... til i got home and it was 100 freaking degrees. It followed me.<br /><br />Ok, so I have done some thinking. I have made... 5 or so trips back to Arizona since I have moved. They have been great, don't get me wrong but, seriously besides you guys... what is there? When you guys can drive westward and I can offer you many things other than my company. A beach (and its big too), Disneyland, Magic Mountain (i have a season pass) a billion piers and I will even stoop as low as to offer to drive you guys around Orange County (cliche cliche cliche). There is a spare bedroom! I know Mike is coming, Trenna promises to make the trip, Jenna is coming... with a tent freaking goon, and Sean Wilson said he would be coming my way but my money says that just is not going to happen. Come visit me! I am gone the second half of July (Marissa here i come!) but I am pretty sure that is the only long trip I will be taking all summer.<br /><br />I am stupidly happy it is summer. Aubree and I made our summer list today, and we will finalize it Monday. It states everything we must do this summer and it is pretty long... about 25 or so large tasks. I like how getting older just means summer means more to you.<br /><br />I love this line.. i am so cheesy "Forget, regret, or life is yours to miss" urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:68847 2006-06-01T22:42:27Z 2006-06-01T22:42:27Z The last 24 hours have blurred. I love how Basha kind of completes me. I didn't get to go to my school's grad night so I came to this one. It is kind of hard to figure out what to think of all this though. When I graduated, it did not mean that much to me. I was done with high school but, I didn't really care for my school or it's organization. As i watched the billowing Green Gowns though it kind of hit me like I was graduating. Then when Ms. Dayna hugged me and said she had been thinking of me and always thought I should be down their with the rest... it just meant a lot to me. Then she told me how proud she was and then I went to missing my life here again. I really need to get back home, this place is starting to stick to me again.<br /><br />But, I still have one more free night here... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:68397 2006-05-25T06:04:38Z 2006-05-25T06:04:38Z Final BON of LOST Spoiler Free for all of those that are yet to watch the season finale of Lost.<br /><br />AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />I actually feel a little better.<br /><br />I stood infront of the television for 2 hours only to run around at the commercial breaks.<br /><br />So many bad words used. Veronica Mars had a great finale but Lost... Lost left me so confused yet learned. I am shocked. I need Lost friends for speculations. Holy. Crap. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:68159 2006-05-23T18:52:33Z 2006-05-23T18:52:33Z I just got my first B. Now, for the first time ever my GPA will be less than a 4.0.<br /><br />With everything else that is going on, I really. don't. care. And apathy is gross but, so was Professor Corpora. So my GPA isn't perfect. My grandmother already gave me a speech about how proud she was of my perfect GPA, after I told her there was a chance I wouldn't get it. That is what makes me saddest. I feel like I let that little old lady down. And what sucks is I know it ended up being like an 89%. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ellupsis:67930 2006-05-13T00:53:35Z 2006-05-13T00:53:35Z I Hear the Bells My life schedule: Tomorrow morning, Biology Final. Sunday: Mom and Dad leave for Europe leaving me alone for 8 day. Monday: Psych Final. Tuesday: Law, English 226, English 203 Finals. <br /><br />Tuesday night: Party at Laura's. <br /><br />Tonight there is a huge party that I really want to go to but NNOOOOOO I have to get up early for a final that I havent finished studying for or getting the assignment done. I have already called around to my fellow students, we are all in tonight studying/writing. So who was going to be at the party you might ask? THE FUN DROP OUTS!<br /><br />I love Aubree, she and I were talking and here is my favorite line: <br /><br />"Matt, i promise I will never use you. Well, without you knowing I mean. It isnt like I am not going to leave an extra hundred on the counter for you!"<br /><br />I may be extremely stressed, but happy. As soon as summer starts, so does my road trips with Aubs, my multiple trips to Arizona, my trip with Marissa to Chicago and New York and even a possible fishing trip to Big Bear. Not to mention hanging out with a newly transplanted to SoCal (ack I hate that term) Jillian. And show around any of you losers that are smart enough to take aadvantage of having a friend that lives 20 minutes from the beach.